the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...