i think my mom watched the whole time
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
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Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
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I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage