1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS