Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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