So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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