My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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