What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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