i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
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You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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