ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
