rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
