U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
