And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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