so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
