guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
