I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Every concussion has its silver lining
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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