I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
