Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
is it fun? or sober?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
