i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
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I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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