We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't turn off my feet"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
