My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
