this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
