the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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