I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
