I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Vodka?
Forever.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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