I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
