ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
