When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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