I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
