Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
