I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
