I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
