I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
