i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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