some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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