Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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