She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
