I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
ok first of all what the fuck
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
