I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
