just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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