just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
