Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
