I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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