There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
