Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
