You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
my poor anus
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
