May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
