My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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