I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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