i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
