Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
