my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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