Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
