My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize
