I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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