Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
