Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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