There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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