i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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